Edit 1: Pages 5, 22, 23 and 32. Reverted 5 and 32, clarified QC note on 23, added second suggestion on 22.[
Edit1.1: Also edited in proposed changes for page 11, as per Note 2.Proofreading for "Because of You"
Because I use notepad to type in the work/format (not owning Word), I can't retain the previous formatting. I'm already thinking of creating a whole new thread just dedicated to my proofreading scripts - but does it even deserve a thread? To all of you requesting my help, are you ok with something like that? The potential problem I see is that I might end up with 2-5 scripts being worked on, all by different requesters/translators/editors, on the same page at the same time, and it becomes a mess. At the same time though, these are your threads, I'd hate to look as if proofreading suddenly hijacked the entire thing.
Anyway...
Highlighted in red for most, if not all changes
<QC:...comments in these brackets>
Also, is it just me, or are the bubbles pretty damn narrow here? I've put in a few shorter suggestions, with the first suggestion always deemed as ideal.
Page 3:
P1B1
Well then Onee-chan, we’ll get going, okay?
P2B1
…Ahh / Be careful.
P2B2
Uh-huh. / I’ll be back every once and a while, okay?
P2B3
Yeah
・・
Grasp
P3B1
…Serah / …As I thought, maybe I should also…
P4B1
What are you saying!? You promised that you’ll stay here, right Onee-chan!? / And besides
P5B1
We were able to get together even when things were difficult, so we won’t get separated again. <QC:Removing these brackets. Context of game and her childish talk should be retained, I think>
Page 4
P1B1
But…
P1B2
Onee-chan doesn’t want to be separated too, right!?
P1B3
I…don’t really…
P1B4
You’re not being honest, Onee-chan.
P2B1
Hope-kun!
P2B2
Yes?
P3B1
Please take care of
P3B2
Onee-san, okay?
P4B2
Yeah, of course.
P5B1
It ain’t just that!
P5B2
Uwa
Page 5
P1B1
We’re gonna protect Fang and Vanille’s crystals
P1B2
And this town too!
P2B1
I was aware of that even if you didn’t say so, Snow.
P2B2
Speaking of those, you don’t have to worry. I can safeguard them by myself. <QC:
See Note1 reverted>
P3B1
If you got something to say, say it to my face!
・・
Loud
P3B2
Unreliable
P3B3
Isn’t it true?
・・・・
Blunt
P4B1
Noel
P4B2
Tap
P5B1
Save
P5B2
Caius
Page 6
・・
Smile
・・・・・・
Touch
P2B1
Of course!
Page 7
Because of You
This book is the continuation of RIOKO’s previously released “Paradox Ending: The Continuing
Future ~ One More Ending~” and “After Episode: A Dream of Crystals”. I suppose you could
read just this book, but there's a lot of original set-up in it (Like having Light-san be Hope’s
bodyguard, them living together, Noel and co. out traveling, etc). Anyways, because of all that
various stuff, people who aren’t fine with that sort of thing should please be cautious.
Page 9
P3B1
Damnit! There’s so many! <QC:Dem bubbles be small. If they're too small, I suggest "Damnit! So many!" or "Argh! So many!" or if we're really desperate, "So many!"
P3B2
…this is pretty rough, huh… <QC:Same as above, suggesting "...pretty rough, huh..." or "...rough, huh...">
Page 10
P2B1
Phew
P3B1
… / You’ve gotten good at this, haven’t you?
P3B2
Clink
・・・・
Reload
P4B1
I have Light-san’s guidance to thank for that, don’t I?
P4B1
Hope
Page 11
P1B1
…stay close to me. <Amended>
P1B2
Of course
Page 12
P1B1
…phew
P2B1
Are you wounded?
P3B1
No. /
And What about you, Light-san? <QC:No need for "And" here.>
P3B2
Aah, I’m fine.
P4B1
Everyone! Status report!
P4B2
Do we have any wounded?
P5B1
A few just have some bruises, and this newbie got an injury…
P5B2
but other than that, we’re okay.
Page 13:
P1B1
Are you okay?
P3B1
That aside, Sir
P4B1(・・)
These outskirts have more anti-Academy forces than we expected. / It’s really incomparable to
our last encounter…
P4B2(・・)
Even if Sir is their target, / any more than this is dangerous.
P4B3(・・・)
Exhaustion is taking its toll on us… / so this is more than we can handle by ourselves.
P5B1
…I see.
Page 14:
P1B1
Hope / We don’t have enough manpower. [“manpower” can be “forces” if preferred.] <QC:Personally prefer "manpower", but "men" also work if manpower looks ugly edited in>
P1B2
I think it would be best if we retreat today so that we can regroup. [“retreat” can be “fall back”]
P2B1
I’m sorry…I’m dragging you guys down.
P2B2
Don’t worry about it.
Page 15
P1B1
If we’re going to take a small break here, let’s return the way we came.
P1B2
Since we will carry out the investigation here another day, please hand me
a summary of
the data. <QC:Long story short, "summarization" is too damn long, dammit. Also, what's the data about? Might help.>
P1B3
Understood.
P3B1
The work’s progress is quite behind schedule… / I might need to revise our plans once again,
huh?
Page 16
P2B1
I’m gonna let you go here. <QC: Again with dem small bubbles. Unfortunately, at the moment I can't suggest anything shorter.>
P2B2
Okay.
P2B3
Lighting-san! / Could I talk to you for a minute?
P3B1
What is it?
P3B2
Senpai
P4B1
Uhm, this is a consultation, but…
P4B2
Hasn’t the Director been a little cold lately? / Or more like, solemn…
P4B3
…I haven’t heard anything about it, but…
Page 17
P1B1
Is there something between you two?
P2B1
Ehh? Those two have that sort of relationship!?
P2B2
You’re too loud!
P2B3
Ahh!
P3B1
There isn’t anything that has especially changed…
P3B2
…and if that’s the case, that’s a good thing, but…
P4B1
The Director has been working up till late, / so recently he’s…
P4B2
been making an especially bitter(-looking) face.
P5B1
…you watch him carefully, don’t you?
P6B1
It’s probably because Senpai is a member of his fanclub!
P6B2
Idiot! / Don’t say unnecessary things in front of Lighting-san.
・・・
Hit
P6B3
Oww!
Page 18
P1B1
Ahh, sorry.
・・・・・・…
It’s a bit noisy here…
P1B2
Don’t worry about it.
・・
Stand
P2B1
It would be good if I’m mistaken, but…
P3B1
…I…
P3B2
wonder...
Page 19:
P6B1
Light-san
Page 20
P1B1
You’re really experienced with it, huh? <QC: See note 3>
P1B2
Yeah
P1B3
It’s what I protect myself with after all.
・・
Glance
P3B1
Click
[or “Flash”]P3B2
Click
[or “Flash”] <QC: I'm not sure what I'm looking at here. A screen making sounds? I'd say "click", since it's in a speech bubble, and "Flash" is visual."
P4B1
Today was tiring, right?
・・・・・・・・・・
Thanks a lot.
P4B2
Well, in itself, yeah. / But if I compare it to Noel-kun and the others, it’s nothing.
P51B
Both Serah and Snow are together, so I feel relieved, but…
P4B2
It’s frustrating when all I can do is wait.
Page 21:
・・・
Put down
P2B1
There are some things only they can do, / and there are some things only we can do.
P2B2
That is the only difference (between us). <QC:Would incude (between us) if there's space>
P4B1
…Ho-
P4B2
That new guy today.
P4B3
What about him?
P5B1
Ah, yeah.
P6B1
He’s a newcomer who just recently entered the Academy’s defense forces.
P6B2
…Is that…so?
Page 22
P1B1
He’s someone who tends to act without thinking, but he’s a fast learner, / and has character too.
P1B2
…I’m sorry that I dragged us down today.
P2B1
……
・・
Rustle
P2B2
Why are you apologizing? Did you make some kind of error?
P3B1
I was the one who selected the members of the team for today’s investigation.
P3B2
Since the opposing forces were stronger than I anticipated, we were not able to progress halfway through the investigation/ That is my fault. <QC:Suggestion #2 used (after discussion)>
P4B1
That’s not true.
P5B1
Light-san is my bodyguard, right?
P4B2
Yeah… / “If you join the defense forces, become my bodyguard and be by my side.”
P4B3
That’s what you told me.
Page 23
P1B1
Then why?
P1B2
―hh
P2B1
Why
P2B2
were you supporting him?
P3B1
―――――… / That wasn’t my intention.
P3B2
I’m sorry if I caused you to feel any sort of unpleasant feelings.
P4B1
[remove the ・] <QC:Sorry, I'm not sure what you meant by removing the dot - I don't see one at all..>
Page 24
P1B1
Please don’t show… / that (sort of) face to any other guy.
P3B1
What are you sa-…
P4B1
-hh
・・・
Lick
P5B1
Mmn
P6B1
Hh
・・
Kiss
P7B1
Nhh
P7B2
Mmnh
Page 25
・・
Hah
P2B1
Hah
P2B2
Haa
P2B3
Aren’t you misunderstanding something?
P3B1
I’m not (misunderstanding anything).
P4B1
[Remove the ・]
・・
Unbutton x2 [or just “Pop” x2]
P6B1
…hey,
P6B2
Light-san
P7B1
You’re someone who is liked by everyone, right?
P7B2
Sto-
・・
Kiss
P8B1
Nnh
Page 26
P1B1
Ahh
・・
Lick
P1B2
Nhh
P2B1
Uuah!
・・・
Nibble
P3B1
You’re acting…
P3B2
really… / weird today…mmh
P3B3
…I’m the same as ever.
P4B1
hh
P4B2
Look me in the eyes
・・
Pull up
・・
Hah x2
P4B3
And talk to me.
Page 27
P1B1
Hope
P4B1
*Hide*
P4B2
Hope!
・・・・
Snuggle (in)
Page 28
P1B1
I’m sorry
P1B2
I’m a little slow when it comes to these things, so if you don’t tell me, I won’t understand.
P1B3
If there’s something that you don’t like,
P1B4
tell me clearly, okay?
P2B1
――――― / Light…san…
P2B2
This feels…nice but…
P3B1
It’s kind of…painful.
・・
Release
・・
Gasp
P3B2
Sorry!
・・・
Cough
・・・
Cough
P4B1(・・・・)
Thanks to that, I’ve gotten a little calmer.
P4B2(・・・・)
I’m sorry
Page 29
P1B1
…I’m the one who needs to apologize.
P2B1
I’m sorry for / being rude.
・・
Rub x2
P2B2
Mmn
P3B1
nn… /Hope…
P4B2
Lashing out at you like that… / I’m really the worst, huh?
・・
Slide
Page 30
P2B1
…I want
P2B2
to know everything about you.
Page 31
P1B1
It’s not really mature of me, / but will you hear me out?
P1B2
Of course!
P2B1
Light-san came back / and the new Cocoon is floating safely,
P2B2
but even so, there’s still a lot of work to be done, / and there are (even) new problems that exist.
・・・
Touch [or “caress”]
P3B1
…I started to feel
P4B1
really overwhelmed.
P5B1
…Even the things that normally wouldn’t bother me,
P5B2
started to make me anxious.
Page 32
P1B1
So today, I got jealous of newbie-kun.
・・
Kiss
P2B1
Mmn…so you were jealous /uwahh
・・・
Toss
・・・
Push down [or “Fall down”]
P4B1
Didn’t you give him treatment/ Light-san[
? <QC:See Post #32. Would also suggest "preferable treatment", but reverted unless agreed otherwise.>
P4B2
Nnh
P4B3
I did, / but
P4B4
Ahh
P5B1
There was no deeper meaning to it, haah
・・…
Slide…
P5B2
I know. <QC:"I know." agreed,>
Page 33
P1B1
I was being a kid.
P1B2
That’s all.
P2B1
Mnn
・・・
Rub
P3B1
…… / …I’m sorry.
P4B1
Please don’t make that face.
P4B1
I’m the one who’s at fault.
P5B1
Even though I’m with you all the time, I hadn’t noticed.
P6B1
It makes me so happy when you talk to me.
Page 34
P2B1
―――――hah
P2B2(・・)
Ahh
P2B3
That’s cheating!
P2B4(・・)
Noo
P2B5(・・・)
Nhaa
P4B1
Please don’t show that expression to anyone else but me, okay?
P4B2
Nnh
P4B3
Ahh
P5B1
Hah
P5B2
Nnh
P5B3
…
as if I would.
Page 35
・・・
Kiss
P4B1
Hah
P4B2
Haa
P6B1
…mnh
P6B2
Are you okay?
Page 36
P1B1
I’m…
P1B2
fi…ne…
P2B1
But
P2B2
Listen
P3B1
Hah
P3B2
Ha
P3B3
…don’t… tease me
・・・
Shiver
P5B1
…I don’t think I can comply with that.
P5B2
Aah
P6B1
Nnh
P6B2
Noo
Page 37
P1B1
Ahh
・・
Hah x3
P2B1
Ho / pe
P2B2
Noo
P2B3
Nhh
P3B1
――――hhm
P3B2
Aaahhh
Page 38
P1B1
Director! / Lightning-san!
P2B1
You guys? / Have you recovered from your injuries?
P3B1
Y-Yes! / Thank you very much for helping me that time!
P3B2
I’m…sorry for having been a bother for you, Sir.
P4B1
Please don’t worry about it. / That was just my mistake.
Page 39
P1B1
We are planning on resuming the investigation again soon.
P1B2
We’ll be in your care again then.
P1B3
Roger!
P3B1
Mfufu / Those two really do have something going on, don’t they?
P3B2
Eh? What do you mean?
P3B3
You really are slow, huh?
P4B1
Those two are our hope (for the future),
P4B2
So I always want them to be smiling.
Page 40
P1B1
Senpai, you’ve said something I totally can’t understand again.
P1B2
You’re such a dummy! / Come on! Let’s go back and do some training!
P1B3
Ehh――?
P1B4
Don’t complain!
P4B1
Light-san
P4B2
What is it?
Page 41
P2B1
Mmh
P3B1
――――hah / Hope…!
P3B2
We’re…at the Academy!
P4B1
It’s fine. / Today’s a holiday according to the calendar, so there’s no one here.
P4B2
He planned this, didn’t he?
・・
Glare
P4B3
Ahaha, Light-san, you’re making a scary face.
P5B1
―――… / I’ve decided that I won’t hold back when it comes to Light-san.
P5B2
Neither in words, / nor in actions
P6B1
Keep those in check!
Page 42
P1B1
Eh―?
・・
Push
P1B2
Don’t “Eh?” me!
P1B3
In that case,
P2B1
let’s continue this tonight.
P3B1
You’ll
P3B2
accept my feelings, won’t you?
P4B2
…you’re so unfair.
Page 43
P1B1
Light-san is the one being unfair.
P1B2
Wha!?
P1B3
Now then, let’s get to work, shall we?
P2B1
―――――hm
・・・
Smile
P4B1
Alright, let’s do this! / This’ll make you look forward to tonight more, right?
P4B2
―――nnh / Enough already! Go handle these documents!
P4B3
You don't have to be so impatient... / If you can't wait, we can do it right here, right now.
P4B4
You’re wrong!
―・・・・
―
Geez! <QC: "I'd go with alternative suggestion, "Geez", since it's a one-word finisher. And who doesn't like OHKOs?>
Page 44
・・・・・・・
Anata no Sei de
Notes:
Note 1: (Page 5) Unless it's reference to the skill "Safeguard" in the game...then shouldn't this be protect? Unless the usual word for "protect" in japanese isn't used here
Note 2: (Page 11) I'm suggesting "...stay close to me." to use a more commonly-used line in English. IMHO, "Don't break/split/separate/go (too) far from me" sounds like what a mother would tell a child...but you don't ask your child to bodyguard you. The line doesn't work as well in English. Normally, you'd say "Stay close to me" or "Stick with me". I can preserve the "not" in the sentence with "Don't fall behind", but then that implies he's following her, instead of working with her like in the second panel.
NOte 3: (Page 20) For a shorter version, I'll suggest cutting out "really". Or if you end up cutting "experienced" up into 3 and it looks bad, try "You've really used that a lot, huh?"
This post has been edited by BakaStratos: Jan 15 2015, 00:44
Shinko translation bounties/requests, Mostly vanilla
Jan 10 2015, 18:04
